All of The Beatles' albums reviewed by someone who doesn't like The Beatles
In chronological order
During COVID lockdown, I, like many other people, didn't know what to do with my time while being locked inside my flat all day. For some reason, I decided to listen and review all of The Beatles' albums and post them reviews on my personal Instagram feed. It started as a light hearted project, but got a bit more and more serious.
I used to love The Beatles as a kid, but getting into punk made me turn against them (shocker!). I have been unsure in recent years if I was missing out, but by listening to all their albums (which really messed up my Spotify algorithm.
A few people got a bit provoked that I don't like The Beatles, it's like someone being provoked by me not liking potatoes (which I do!), potatoes from the 60s.
Anyway, I thought I'd post them here so I have them all in one place.
Please Please Me (1963)
Silly debut album, with "Twist and Shout" (that I like!) on it. Does anyone ever put this album on? I think kids will appreciate it, so that is fine, let them hear it (on headphones). It's got some pop rock bangers on it, I guess. I will never ever listen to it again (but that might go for the entire The Beatles discography, so that's not saying much).
Favourite IG comments:
"'and 12 other songs'"
"My favorite record when 5 years old..."
Rating: 5/10
With the Beatles (1963)
Quite an average album, really all over the place. Some quite tame covers and “Little Child” is a terrible song, with quite dodgy lyrics:
“Little child, little child.
Little child, won't you dance with me?
I'm so sad and lonely.
Baby, take a chance with me”
(it was originally written for Ringo, really glad he didn't get to sing it. Creepy creepy Ringo).
Favourite IG comments
"So overrated band! And Pauls lyrics are always awful. But many of my fav bands have Beatles as main influence so they must have done something right."
Rating: 4/10
A Hard Day's Night (1964)
Finally one album from The Beatles without any covers! “And I love her” is a nice little tune, but I really lost interest halfway through this album. Some cracking tunes padded out with some real snooze - they should have made into an EP! Also, I wonder if “I’m happy just to dance with you” is a follow-up to “Little Child”
“I don't wanna kiss or hold your hand
If it's funny try and understand
There is really nothing else I'd rather do
'Cause I'm happy just to dance with you”
The creepiness continues!
Favourite IG comments:
"One of the best. 9/10"
"Greatest opening chord in the history of music!!"
"The night before is one of my fave Beatles tracks on this album... do you hate the Beatles because they didnt have tattoos or they couldn't bowl? I hear ringo carried a 200 average"
"This is a good album Tagestam, it’s a high 6 early 7 imho 🙌🏻"
Rating: 5/10
Beatles for Sale (1964)
Another album that should have been kept as an EP. 8 originals and 6 covers; two Carl Perkins covers, one Chuck Berry (and a shit one at that), a Buddy Holly one etc - yawn! “I’m a loser” though - what a jaunty number - “I’m a loooooser”! Have you heard “I don’t want to spoil the party”? What a silly song, he should have stayed at the party or at least shut up about it (maybe it’d been nicer as an instrumental track). The whole albums feels very rushed and it keeps popping off in all different directions, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to listen to this album again.
Favourite IG comments:
"Their worst"
Rating: 5/10
Help! (1965)
Here we go - another The Beatles soundtrack to slog through – woohoo! It sure starts with a banger ("Help!") but then there are lots of filler until "Yesterday" (which is a great two minute ballad). They really should have put “Yesterday” as the last song, "Dizzy Miss Lizzy" is a weird song to go out on. Ringo singing Johnny Russell's country ditty "Act Naturally" is nothing I want to hear ever again, and the George Harrison penned / sung "I need you" is a real bore. "I've just seen a face" is pretty cute though, toe-tapping-ly nice (I’ve saved it in a playlist, which is a real compliment to the performers). So two cracking tunes, some great ones and a lot of meh ones. Looking forward to dive into their “serious” / “good” period that people have been telling me so much about. Grab the good tracks but leave the rest and never listen to them again (i.e. don’t buy the vinyl).
Favourite IG comments:
"their spelling is terrible here. only Paul gets a point." [referring to the album cover]
Rating: 6/10
Rubber Soul (1965)
The "terrible haircuts" (aka "the jazz tobacco") album! No covers! No film to promote! What is going on? This is much better than their previous albums, more coherent, although it’s a shame I'm not really into the psychedelic / folk vibes. They should have ditched "What goes on" that Ringo sings on, classic Ringo being a numpty and terrible. I also hate the “ssssssssssss” in “Girl”. "Run for your life" continues the morbid fascination with some child:
"Well, I'd rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or I won't know where I am"
Overall it’s decent stuff but it drags on a bit.
Favourite IG comments:
"They’re no Wings."
"Yes, like the move to Beatles critique. Could lead on to something more serious!"
"I’m enjoying this series!"
Rating: 7/10
Revolver (1966)
Well this album starts with a real pearl of a song with a great message! The 'Taxman' really hit The Beatles hard, right? They'd been so rich without having to pay all that tax, totally on George's side there (what a twat). 'Yellow Submarine' reminds of being around 12 years old and on holiday with my parents in Spain, refusing to go to the beach and sitting in the bar drinking non alcoholic drinks (virgin San Franciscos) instead, and I befriended some drunk Danes who dragged me into singing 'Yellow Submarine' at karaoke with them - happy times that will never happen again. I actually had this album on CD when I was a kid but I could never get into it (weird that). 'Eleanor Rigby' and 'Here, There and Everywhere' are pretty fabulous songs though, hard to argue with that. I think I prefer McCartney to Lennon? Always thought I was more of a John “Asshole” Lennon fan but I'd say that McCartney is the real talent in this outfit (and Ringo the village idiot). Lennon's 'She said she said' and 'Tomorrow never knows' are just a waste of time. The A side is pretty sweet but the B side is quite lame. I have started to warm to Paul McCartney's soppy sad side though, like in 'For no one' -
"And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
love that should have lasted years!"
Pretty fun stuff. Also cute how 'Got to Get You into My Life' is a love song to jazz tobacco. The boys had certainly taken a little bit too much acid when writing some of these songs, I mean - George's 'Love you to' - what a terrible song! Fuck off, hippies (I hate George Harrison now).
Favourite IG comments:
"Tomorrow Never Knows is one of the best and most influential pop songs ever recorded! The song introduced the cultural mainstream to at least two things that would change the world: sampling and LSD."
"Paul is the best"
Rating: 7/10
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1967)
For my final essay in high school I compared Pet Sounds with SPLHCB (as the lame kids call it); Pet Sounds won.
It's got a very heartfelt intro though and the backing vocals in "With a Little Help from My Friends" are cute.
The first verse of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" is probably solely responsible for The Flaming Lips, which wasn't really a problem until around 2010 when Wayne Coyne turned into a super douche, so now that song should be the first thing erased when time travel is invented, together with Wayne Coyne. "Getting Better" is a pretty plain and boring song about how things are getting better (which they aren't). "Fixing a hole" in my head after listening to that song.
McCartney in morose mode on "She's leaving home" is sweet, feels like the lyrics inspired the whole of Saint Etienne's output (I LOVE Saint Etienne, I'd like to add!). George Harrison contributes with another stinker to this album, 'Within You Without You' is not a good song and I hate it.
I also have fond memories of singing "Lovely Rita" in school, or maybe it was "When I'm sixty-four", or maybe it was a dream. They're great singalong songs for kids.
FUN FACT: When Paul McCartney was sixty-four, he divorced Heather Mills. Guess she didn't still need him.
Not sure I'm into all the nursery rhyme / silly type of songs that The Beatles keep having on their albums, like "Good morning good morning" here. They're cute but they also make me sick. Lennon himself said this about "Good morning":
"It’s a throwaway, a piece of garbage, I always thought".
I agree with you there, JL.
Also, here's another "John Lennon was a total douche" fact:
'As "A Day in the Life" ends, a 15-kilohertz high-frequency tone is heard; it was added at Lennon's suggestion with the intention that it would annoy dogs'!
They must have known that the album would be played everywhere all the time, what a total shitbag John Lennon was. "A day in the life" is a pretty good song, I guess. I really dislike a lot of the tracks on this album. Sounds like they had a jolly good time in the studio though.
This album would have been much better if they've stayed off the acid and drunk more beers.
Favourite IG comments:
"Not one single on this album 🙄"
Rating: 5/10
The Beatles ("The White Album") (1968)
Well now, this is album is a real mess, isn't it? Basically a bunch of solo songs thrown together and then called an album, a bunch of shit solo songs at that too. The album made me laugh out loud a lot of times though, "Piggies", "Rocky Raccoon" and "Honey Pie" are all a laugh.
This is the worst album by The Beatles I've listened to so far but I'd love to find out more about how and why it was made, what did the four deluded egomaniacs think they were doing? Why didn't anyone tell them it was dogshit? You can hear how this album was the beginning of the end, a bit of a meltdown.
Surprisingly, it does features my favourite The Beatles song, "Blackbird", which is a beautiful track. I've actually been listening to this song a few times in the last months, it's in a very odd company of songs here.
The album also features my favourite The Beatles lyrics:
“Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra” (genius!).
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps" might be George Harrison's best song but it's still really drab. It also features Eric “Stop Britain from becoming a black colony. Get the foreigners out. Get the wogs out. Get the coons out. Keep Britain white … The black wogs and coons and Arabs and fucking Jamaicans don’t belong here, we don’t want them here. This is England, this is a white country, we don’t want any black wogs and coons living here. We need to make clear to them they are not welcome. England is for white people, man … This is Great Britain, a white country, what is happening to us, for fuck’s sake? … Throw the wogs out! Keep Britain white!” Clapton on guitar. :(
Fugazi's "So Tired" > The Beatles' "I'm So Tired"
"Why Don't We Do It in the Road?" was written by McCartney in India after he saw two monkeys copulating in the street and wondered why humans were too civilised to do the same. It’s not a good song.
Random fact: Cult leader and mass murderer Charles Manson was unaware that the term helter skelter is British English for a spiral slide found on a playground or funfair, and he assumed the track had something to do with hell.
I will never revisit this album ever again, I’m so sorry.
Favourite IG comments:
"I like the album. I LOVE your review. ✊🏻☺️✊🏻"
"I anxiously await for the Let It Be review..."
"This made my day"
"You’re not sorry"
"Guess you didn’t like it then 👍🤣" [from my mother-in-law]
Rating: 2/10
Yellow Submarine (1969)
Just like The Beatles were contractually forced to record new songs for this soundtrack, I'm forced (!) to listen to it since it's (for some unknown reason) part of The Beatles' "core catalogue". It's nice to be reminded again about the drunks Danes in Mallorca who I sang karaoke with when I was about 12 years old though (see above review for “Revolver”); I can almost taste the virgin San Francisco cocktails.
There are four new The Beatles songs on here and a bunch of bland George Martin orchestra pieces. I hope they didn't sell this as a full price product when it came out, because that would have been a real rip-off.
I understand why George Harrison's "Only a Northern Song" was rejected from “Sgt. Pepper”, it's a real shambles of a song and it's all about how George was grumpy about his publishing deal (in that sense it can be seen as a companion to his "Taxman" song, another song about greed, his greed).
There's a nice version of "All Together Now" by The Muppets - the song really suits Kermit! Bom bom bom bompa bom! Sail the ship, bompa bom! Chop the tree, bompa bom! Skip the rope, bompa bom! Look at me!
"Hey Bulldog" is a poor man's "Lady Madonna", but quite charming, sounds like they were having great fun while recording it.
Only five proper The Beatles songs on this album and George Harrison has written two! You do the maths (thanks for the 40% garbage, George). "It's All Too Much" is more hippie bullshit done by someone who just discovered acid (which is literally what happened). The George Martin tracks might work in the movie (which I won't watch) but listening to them I got both bored and depressed, it felt like I was taking a very long ride in a sad-looking elevator.
I think I have this on CD somewhere in my parents' house. I will find it next time I'm there (god knows when), and burn it.
Rating: 1/10
Abbey Road (1969)
It seems very hard for people to agree which is the best The Beatles album but it seems that Wikipedia, Rolling Stone and Mojo all agree that every The Beatles album is their best album. "Abbey Road" is certainly an official contender to be the best and would all those tourists at the zebra crossing be wrong? I don't think so!
One problem with a lot of The Beatles' songs that I've got, like "Come together", is that as soon I hear them, I envision standing in a pub watching some jerks playing them in a The Commitments kind of way and thinking they’re hot shit because they like to jam (I hate listening to people jam and a lot of The Beatles’ songs feel just like them jamming). "Something" is a pivotal moment for George Harrison, probably the best song he ever wrote. Bet he loved when Frank Sinatra said that it was his favourite Lennon–McCartney song (burn!). He got his comeback now though with "Here comes the song" being the most streamed The Beatles song ever! Suck on that, John and Paul! It's a pretty good song I guess but I think I've heard it more times than I've actually watched the sun rise. RIP George Harrison, shame you’re not around to write a song about how Spotify is ripping you off.
I would have preferred if McCartney's "Oh! Darling" was performed in a more ballad-y way, he's such an emo and should just have embraced it.
Maybe they could have told Ringo that they'd include "Octopus's Garden" on the album but then sneakily omit it in the last minute and blame the pressing plant? That would have made more sense than to have the garbage on the actual album. It hurts my innards to listen to it.
Apparently "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" is the song that started doom metal? Guess that's a great fact if you like doom metal. It's a really boring song. I bet Yoko Ono decided to divorce John Lennon after hearing it. Actually, she probably did that after hearing the tedious "Because", or "Sun King". The medley at the end is a real mess, they should have skipped it.
Lennon and McCartney really didn't deliver for this album, and you know that when Harrison has the two best songs on the album - you're in trouble!
Favourite IG comments:
"I think Oh Darling was (one of) your Godson’s first favourite song. It would probably hurt him deeply to read this laceration of Abbey Road, but then he’s only 11, going on 15. And he doesn’t really know you like I do, but he certainly holds you in as high esteem. I must admit though, I never realised The Beatles were so low in yours. Just be impressed if he ever plays you a Beatles song on his guitar that he learnt by ear ;) ✊"
"Er what is wrong with The Commitments?"
Rating: 4/10
Let It Be (1970)
Oh lord, this "project" has been a real slog, but finally it's done. I was (obviously) super bored with The Beatles when I started listening to "Let it be" today (I mean, I've been bored with them for about 25 years), but I was pleasantly surprised by the first three tracks ("Two of us", "Dig a pony", "Across the universe"). A small part of me thought that his would finally be a great album, but then it all went to shit with "I me a mine" (written by the useless George Harrison of course). "Let it be" (the song) is obviously a real classic, but why did they pad it out with a lot of blues drivel and live tracks from their rooftop gig? There are about 4-5 great tracks on here.
Phil "Convicted Murderer" Spector did at least manage to add som interesting production to some of these songs, I give him that. Turns out that the album didn't get that great reviews in 1970 and some music critics hated Spector's involvement! Who would have thunk it!
I can't be bothered to listen to the "naked" version of the album that came out in 2003 that Paul McCartney seems to prefer (who cares). Actually, I had a quick listen and it sounds quite lame.
A real positive thing about this album is that there are no songs written by Ringo Starr on it - hooray!
Well, that's that. Now I can finally go back to having "Blackbird" as the only The Beatles song I listen to, thank god.
Favourite IG comments:
"This has been a hugely entertaining project, Simon! 10/10."
"I feel like you should rate “Yesterday”"
"Long and winding road is also great"
"I gotta say I really enjoyed these. Almost looked forward to them every morning. Rubber Soul and Let it Be are the only Beatles records I own. I was happy rubber soul was the top. I only own let it be because the title track is a perfect song. I’m sad to see it come to an end. Fav quote (paraphrase) “I’d love to know why they released it... (the white album)”"
Rating: 5/10
That’s it. With this newsletter, I’m trying to concentrate on music I like, so this is a bit of a sidestep from that, but sometimes it’s nice to vent a bit! Also, who cares that I hate The Beatles? They’re massive and will remain massive, and I’m very happy for you if you love them, I just find them so incredibly overrated (despite being pioneers etc). Anyway, that’s that.